Parenting is a cross-platform, person-oriented scripting language. It is an intricate and confusing language. Inside a host environment (for example, a house), Parenting can be connected to the persons of its environment to provide programmatic control over them.

Parenting contains a standard library of persons and objects, such as Children, Spouses, unwashed dishes, overflowing trashcans, clogged toilets, homicidal legos and Math, and a core set of language elements such as various forms of "No", basic first-aid, and outrageous statements you never imagined hearing yourself say (Such as: "Get the pizza out of your pants!"" or "Don't put the cat in the freezer!"). Core Parenting can be extended for a variety of purposes by supplementing it with additional persons; for example:

• "Sleep-overs" where noone actually sleeps, at least one child pukes from sneaking far too many oreos and washing them down with copius amounts of illicitly obtained Mountain Dew, and someone always ends up crying from homesickness.
• Birthday parties full of screaming children hyped up on sugar and coulrophobia (pronounced “coal-ruh-fow-bee-uh” it is the fear of clowns) Clowns are evil, just ask John Wayne Gacy, he would know.

This guide assumes you have the following basic background:

• A general understanding of how homosapiens sustain life.
• Good working knowledge of How-Not-To-Fuckup-Your-Kid (HNTFYK) (I.E. Don't hit them, call them mean names, or do other horrible shit to them. Basically don't be an asshat who deserves to be eaten by wild dogs.).
• Some critical thinking experience as well as the ability to laugh at yourself. If you are new to not taking yourself so damn seriously or making decisions that effect some one other than yourself, try this tutorial or this one.

When it comes to parenting and parents you should keep in mind that not all parents are great at parenting and not all parenting is done by parents. Either way, one thing remains consistently true, biology does not a parent make. With that in mind we will delve into the following age-old questions:

• What characteristics make a parent, a parent?
• What is parenting?

Characteristics of Parents

1. PATIENCE Ah, patience. Surely the number one requirement of any good parent. I did not possess an ounce of it until the kids came along. Matter of fact, I recall lamenting the fact that pregnancy was at least 3 months too long, given that it was awful for the first three, quite pleasant for the next and then… ready to go when you are, baby. But I learned, oh how I learned. When my firstborn made me labour for more than 40 hours to see him, I think I was starting to develop a modicum of patience (along with quite a lot of teary frustration, it must be said). I honed my patience skills as he took 10 weeks to learn how to breastfeed and, god help me, 7 1/2 years to sleep through the night. By the time I was a mother of three, I had patience by the bucket load. So much so that my new-found patience has often helped easy going me become the strict parent I know I have to be. I can withstand anything, long after most parents might have given in.

2. FORTITUDE You can read this as optimistic courage, if you like. Every parent needs a relentlessness in fortitude that matches the relentlessness of parenting. It is one thing to have patience in a moment (see above), but to truly believe that tomorrow will be easier, brighter, better than today takes fortitude. To believe that despite feeling like you have no idea what you are doing pretty much every single day, you will prevail and your children will be okay – that’s fortitude. To stare down a toddler in full tantrum mode and say in a calm, assertive manner, “no, not now, not ever, no way”… fortitude.

3. KINDNESS It’s a sad thing, but kindness does not come naturally to everyone. Most people will happily be kind when asked to be kind, but they have no idea how to set kindness going on their own. Parents need to work on that. A kind parent will do little things for their child just because. A kind parent will allow their child to be different to what they thought they wanted their child to be. A kind parent will open their home to other people, bringing joyous colour to everyday family life. A kind parent will notice things that parents who lack kindness will not.

4. CREATIVITY Children exist in a world that is abundantly creative because they make it so. They can’t help it – we are born to self-expression and it’s only the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’ that stamp it out in most of us. A creative parent is a parent who understands the day-to-day life of kids. They simply ‘get’ where the kids are coming from. Creative parents say yes to the mud pies and don’t give the white dress a second thought because they get it: if mud is there, then pies demand to be made. Creativity in family life allows children to express themselves in their own way, in their own time. It gives kids the opportunity to put their stamp on their daily routines and it allows families to develop their own rituals and rhythm. I think creativity frees us up to ignore the bits of life we don’t want to welcome. A creative parent will basically be better able to customise modern life to the needs and wants of the family.

5. HUMOUR There are not many problems in parenting that can’t be unproblemed with a good dose of humour. Humour helps all of the other good traits stick together. It reminds us to be patient, it helps us to have fortitude, it brings cheekiness to kindness and it enhances creativity. Humour also makes the bad bits suck a lot less. That old expression, “if you didn’t laugh you’d cry” kept me from weeping constantly from about 2004 through 2009. (The information contained in this section came from This Website.)

Parenting Defined

So, ye olde Brittanica defines parenting as "the process of raising children and providing them with protection and care in order to ensure their healthy development into adulthood." and yeah on bare minimum it's that. It's a good goal to have, you know, keeping your kids alive and sometimes, it's the best you can manage and if that's true, that doesn't make you any less of a parent. If they're in one piece with no lasting mental or emotional scars that's a-okay in my book. The truth is there is no hard and fast definition of parenting. The only person who can define parenting for you...is you.

By experiencing it first hand.

By watching another parent experience it and laughing at them when they're out of earshot. (Don't do it where they can hear you, that would be mean.)

By being smacked in the face with it out of nowhere, and having no option, but to declare it a variable. Then dealing with it as best you can.

The parenting variables listed here are those beyond the scope of reasonable expectation. They are those things you cannot plan for, do not expect, or don't recognize until it's too late.

One thing all parents can be certain of, if you experience one of these variables:

• Head Lice - It's disgusting, it's a pain in the ass and it makes me itch just typing the words. You can't plan for it, you can't keep it from happening, but once it has, your house will never be cleaner. No, seriously, you will have to scrub and disinfect every inch of your house...EVERY-INCH!
• Questions You Can't Answer...Or Just Don't Wanna - This one's a bit of a cheat after all they named a show after it..."Kid's Say The Darndest Things" and they ask the weirdest questions. Such as: "How did people make the first tools, if they didn’t have any tools? (/u/word_nerd7623)", "Where do babies come from?", "How do I know that I’m real and not just a dream of someone else? (/u/thinwhiteduke99)" and of course the often pondered "Why did swear words get invented if we’re not allowed to say them?"
• Accidents - You haven't truly experienced parenting until you've assured a panicking child that "No, you can't die from a hangnail", but there are some accidents you can't plan for such as sweeping up Grandma's ashes after the kids break her urn while playing catch...with the urn, rushing a bleeding child to the hospital after their sibling busted their lip with a two by four "by accident" or gods forbid, having to pay thousands of dollars to replace the neigbor's window...and big screen television because apparently your kid is the next Sandy Koufax, are the variables which will make you question your decision to become a parent.
• Being Outsmarted - There will be times when your children will be smarter than you. They will think outside of boxes you didn't even know existed. They will win arguments with reasoning and critical thinking skills far beyond your own. Just remember there's nothing wrong with telling your little mini-Matlock: "Because I said so."

Global variables are in aspects of parenting that every parent regardless of nationality, race, religion, or political affiliation will have to deal with at one time or another. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

• Midnight Vomit
• A house that looks like an A-Bomb hit it five minutes after you finish cleaning it
• Cleaning up human excrement from locations not the toilet. Nasty but true.
• Trashed furniture - as far as your kids are concerned, it's not a couch it's a trampoline, a kitchen table, a bed, and sometimes if you're incredibly unlucky...a bathroom.
• Arguments - for some reason kids have their own opinions...go figure.

As a parent there are some things which will always remain the same:

• Sleepless Nights
• Tears
• Worrying Constantly
• Laughing
• Hugs
• Tricksy Sneak Thief's Who Steal All The Chocolate When No One's Looking
#1 major constant = love;

Everybody's got an opinion about parenting, you don't have to listen to them all, or to any of them really.:

• Six data types that are primitives:

  • Your Neighbors
  • Your friends/co-workers/acquaintences who don't have children.
  • Complete Strangers Who Need To Mind Their Own Damn Business
  • Internet "Experts"
  • Books On Parenting
  • Your Kid's Teachers
  • Your Parents and/or Grandparents

And The Only Data Type That Matters

• Your Own Experience - No one knows better how to parent your child than you.

If you don't stop making that face it will stick that way

If you don't stop hitting your brother I'm taking your (insert name of electronic item here).

Get in this house right now or else! (pray they don't say "Or else what?" 'cause your head might just explode.)

If you don't get the drift by now, more if statements aren't going to clear it up for you.

And if you believe nothing else you've read in this documentation believe this...as a parent you will constantly be talking on a loop repeating yourself over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again...try not to bang your head against a wall repeatedly when this happens...it doesn't help.

What is the function of a parent?

What You Are Responsible For:

1. Making Tough Decisions That Are Not Popular If your child doesn’t get angry with you at least once in a while, you’re not doing your job. Along with this, remember that you are not required to give lengthy explanations of your decisions. “It’s not safe” can be plenty of explanation when your teen asks why he can’t jump off the roof and onto the trampoline. “It’s your responsibility” is enough justification for telling your child it’s homework time. You don’t need to get into all the possible “what-ifs” and “if-thens.”

2. Teaching Your Child to Function Independently One of the effective parenting roles we talk about in parent coaching and which James Lehman teaches in The Total Transformation Program® is that of trainer/coach. It is your job to teach your child age-appropriate skills in order to allow them to become more and more independent. There comes a time when your child needs to learn how to emotionally soothe himself, tie his shoes, write his name, and cope when someone teases him. Over time, he will need to develop more and more advanced skills. He needs to know how to type a paper, say no to drugs, drive a car, and fill out a job application. Indeed, he needs to learn that his level of responsibility will grow throughout his life.

3. Holding Your Child Accountable You are responsible for holding your child accountable for his behavior and actions. At the very least, this means setting limits with your child when she behaves inappropriately. For example, when your child puts off her homework you might turn off the TV and say: “Watching TV isn’t getting your homework done. Once your homework is done you can turn the TV back on.” This could also be as simple as firmly saying: “We don’t talk that way in this house.” …and then walking away. Or, of course, this can mean providing effective consequences for something like having missing homework assignments, such as weekend activities being placed on hold until the work is completed.

4. Going Along for the Ride Parenting is a bit of a roller coaster ride and you’re on it whether you like it or not. There will be times when your child is doing well and times when your child is struggling. Remind yourself that the ups and downs are not a reflection of you—it’s just the way the ride goes sometimes. So, don’t blame yourself when stuff happens. Focus on finding positive ways to cope and look for something new to try to help your child effectively. And don’t be afraid to get support, either through sites like EmpoweringParents.com or local resources.

5. Doing Your Best That’s all you can do sometimes. Parenting is a perpetual balancing act—striving to find that balance between doing too much and doing too little, or giving consequences that are not too harsh but not too soft, either. Parenting can feel like a circus sometimes and there can be several balancing acts going on at one time. That’s when you have to go back to picking your battles and realizing you are not, nor will you ever be, the perfect parent. You just need to be good enough. Above all else, remember that your child is unique and you know him better than anyone else on the planet. You will always get input, no matter how obvious or subtle, from the world around you as to how you should parent your child. You, though, are the expert on your child and get to make your own decisions about how to parent her in a way that teaches her to be independent and accountable while also being loving and respectful of your child and her needs. When you find yourself at wits’ end, remember the tips here to help you be more objective and remember what you are and aren’t responsible for as a parent.

What You Are Not Responsible For:

1. Making Sure Your Kids Are Always Happy Don’t get me wrong—it’s good for your kids to be happy overall. But there will many times, especially when you’re parenting responsibly, that your kids will be furious. When you set limits or give them a consequence, they may not like it initially. But that’s part of your job description as a parent and head of the household. You do not make decisions based on what your kids will like, tolerate, or be okay with. Instead, you make the decisions that are best for them and your family, then follow through. In the Total Transformation Program®, James Lehman says you have to run your family like a business. You’re the chief executive officer of your “family business” and as CEO you have to learn how to set emotions aside and to parent as objectively as possible. So forget how guilty you feel. Forget that echo of your sister’s advice in the back of your head. Just remember that you need to do what is best for your family. You can ask for advice, but in the end, you know your family best.

2. Getting the Approval of Others You do not need other adults in your life to tell you that you are doing the right thing. Parenting is not a popularity contest in your family or in your community. Sure, it feels great when other adults, such as your child’s teachers, tell you your child is doing something well. But it’s not necessary in order for you to run your family well.

3. Controlling Your Children Your children are not puppets and you are not a puppeteer. There is no possible way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home. Children have their own free will and will act on their own accord—and often in self-interest. For example, it’s important to remind yourself that if your child is not doing her homework, despite your best efforts to motivate her and hold her accountable, that it’s her problem and the poor grade she earns is hers alone. The consequence she will get from you is that you will make sure she sets aside time every evening to study. You will be in touch with her teachers more. And you will monitor her homework more thoroughly until she brings her grade up. We can’t control our kids, but we can influence them by the limits we set and the consequences we give. As James Lehman says, “You can lead a horse to water, and you can’t make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.”

4. Doing for Your Children What They Are Capable of Doing for Themselves Many times our children will ask us to do something for them that we know they are capable of doing on their own. You are no longer responsible for those things. For example, your grade-schooler might not make his bed perfectly the first time, but practice (and doing it imperfectly several times) is what he needs to get to the point where he can do it on his own. I’m not saying to stop preparing breakfast for your child once she’s old enough to pour her own cereal or to never do anything to help your kids out in a pinch. What I am saying is to let your kids struggle sometimes. Try your best to give them increasing levels of responsibility. And don’t type your child’s paper for him because you type faster and it’s getting close to bedtime…that is not striking a balance!

5. You Don’t Have to be Superman or Wonder Woman You’re not a superhero, nor should you strive to be. Rather than focusing on addressing every behavior issue or adhering to a perfect schedule each day, try to hit the important targets and realize that you might have to let some smaller things go each day. We call this picking your battles.

• All the documentation in this page comes from a parent of 18 years (unless otherwise noted) who has learned you have two options as a parent: laugh at yourself or sink into a pit of despair. You're going to screw up no matter how hard you try not to. Shit happens. Do your best, keep them alive, the rest will take care of itself. I promise and if it doesn't...an unemployed therapist thanks you. (The list of responsibilites came from EmpoweringParents.com
• If you weren't already aware this "technical documentation" is intended as entertainment...it's funny people. It is not intended in any way, shape, or form to be a "parenting guide". If you apply any of these tips in your own life the author is not responsible for any damages monetary, physical, mental or otherwise you or anyone else sustains. This is satire people. You have been warned.